Blood & Bacon Review

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Has there ever been a good horde game? I know there are good games with horde modes, to give you a break from the main game. I know you fight hordes in some really good FPS games like Serious Sam, Painkiller, Doom, Bulletstorm, or Shadow Warrior. But I wouldn’t call those horde games. More like FPS games where you have to fight a lot of baddies. But I’m talking games where you’re stuck in one tiny room, and fighting endless waves.

I honestly can’t think of one.  They claim to give you the fun, challenge, and high-score thrills of a twin stick shooter but they don’t. God Mode gave us monotony, R.I.P.D. re-skinned that monotony, and this game brings that same monotony with terrible jokes, and visuals your old PS1 could poop out in its sleep.

PROS: You can shoot the farmer in the dick.

CONS: Boring. So very boring.

PIGS: You’ll spend 99.9% of the time shooting them.

There really isn’t much to say about Blood & Bacon. It tries piling in new things every wave or two, yet you really see all there is to see in about five minutes. You choose from a handful of characters, and are thrust onto a farm where you must defend a farmer on his deathbed. By deathbed I mean barn wall. He’s impaled on a pitchfork, missing a leg, and coughing up blood. He is voiced terribly. No proper inflection on any of his lines. But you have to put up with him in order to start any given wave. The sole moment of actual fun in this game is shooting him in the genitals. That is it.

The rest of the game is spent running around the farm (which is around the size of the average front yard in my town. Ergo; not very big.) shooting pigs. Yep. That’s the game. Run around, and shoot pigs. I can hear the cries now. “But you like arcade games of the early 80’s. They’re repetitive! Why is this a problem?” Here’s the thing. Old games like Space Invaders are timeless. They have spot on control. They have a charm. Even in their simplicity you have an addictive set of rules, and gameplay that make you want to keep putting in quarters to be the leader on the board. They’re a lot of fun. Blood & Bacon isn’t.

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Oh the game certainly tries to make you think it is. Every few rounds, you get to try a new weapon. Every few rounds they introduce new kinds of pigs to shoot. There is even one round where they introduce pig skeletons. There are a couple of terrible physics devices you can use in the game, that seem like they’re better suited to something like Goat Simulator. Like a giant meat grinder you can kick dead pieces of pig into to get ammo crates. Or the electric fence you can turn on to fry pigs.

It even tries to go the zany route by having you juggle pieces of flesh in the air with successive shots. Bounce it enough times, and you get to see a fireworks display. Sounds like fun right? Well it isn’t.  With all of its feeble attempts at  silliness falling flat, it does try one last hurrah, by having the farmer spewing jokes. But between the bad voice acting, bad writing, and sheer lameness it does nothing to even begin to crack a smile.

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Gameplay is functional. There aren’t any crashes, at least it didn’t crash on me. Pigs take shots, and the mechanics seem random. One time you’ll shoot a pig in the face, and he’ll go down. Other times the same thing will blow its face off, and it will keep coming for you. Other pigs are bullet sponges. You’ll fire, fire, fire, and fire, only to realize you’re out of bullets after it’s been vanquished.

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After several rounds of this monotony, you’ll face a boss pig that sounds suspiciously like the farmer. At this point you’ll finally be facing something that can actually kill you, but you’ll be so bored to tears you won’t care. Every ten stages or so you’ll get a new boss, each as boring as the rest of the game. One of them will literally defecate on you. Being lowbrow didn’t save other titles, and it doesn’t save this one either. The game isn’t a looker by any stretch either. I wasn’t kidding when I said it can pass for a PlayStation game. It can. Blocky models, low resolution textures, and fuzzy audio all around. But again, you can have some fun with some of the sub par stuff on an old PS1. Blood & Bacon makes something like Mortal Kombat Special Forces seem interesting.

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Blood & Bacon gives you multiplayer, but it really isn’t any more fun with a friend. It’s still bland, boring, and banal. It is bad. It is very bad. Awful. But it isn’t the worst game you’ll ever play. Most of the time it’s just kind of there. In a way that can almost be worse than being completely horrible. In spite of the terrible graphics, and sound it’s a game that will leave no impact on you whatsoever. Really. In five minutes or less you’ll see all there is to see. Just skip it. There are plenty of good experiences for those on a shoe string budget elsewhere.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

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